a little funny alex girl...

Tim kept Alex up for me until I got home from work. Usually I then just get to do all the bedtime rituals [read time, rock time, tickle-tock time, quiet time, rubby back time---yes, there are that many but we control the time because we use a timer for each part!] Anyway, after the final part I tucked her in and went downstairs to eat my dinner. Usually at night, once she's tucked in we hear a few "Mom!"s or similar things that she forgot to tell us before we left the room, ie--"alex nose huts [hurts]" "rubby belly, mom!" "slippies on, mama!" etc. She says it in such a manner that you might yell down to someone if you forgot something downstairs and wanted them to bring it up to you---very matter of fact. Tonight I heard "Mom!" then a quieter "say it louder" followed by a louder "...MOM!", then another "say it louder" followed by another louder "MOM!" It was really too funny. LIke she had a secret friend in there that she was whispering to to say it louder, or she was encouraging herself to really speak up! She really makes me laugh. If you don't already have children, I recommend one immediately!

I made it! Jelly beans and spit balls....

Well, I survived the run. I'm not quite sure how I did it but I surpassed my goal of six miles and ran the whole darn thing---ever so slowly, but running all the same! I finished in 2:34:16 and placed 6494 out of 9386. I hit my goal point and thought I might as well run the whole thing...much cooler, I thought, to be able to say I ran the whole thing instead of running only half. Overall it was a really great experience. It was way better than I imagined it. It is amazing how running with that manny people (14 thousand) gives you this momentum you didn't know you had in you . I can totally see how people can get addicted to it. Would you say I was bitten by the rush? that would be a resounding "No." But did I really enjoy it and am I glad I did it? Absolutely!

Things that made the experience a little less enjoyable:

1. My IPOD bit the dust half way through so I was forced to run listening to other people's convo's and other annoying habits (I will get to in a bit) rather than my ever motivating Kanye West; however, on the bright side it was sorta fun to hear the people cheering .

2. Another thing that made it a little less enjoyable---getting stuck running with a guy behind me who was spitting large spit wads the whole time! Seriously every minute a new one would form. I was making disgusting faces to let him know I was not down with it, but unfortunately he was behind me and couldn't see through my head to see the "that's nasty" face. Tim said he was having to spit a lot due to his allergies. I told him I was glad we did not run together. Better to be annoyed by faceless stranger than by husband during race. I was able to sprint ahead from time to time to get away from him but he kept finding me. Owell. I'm sure he could not help it. It's just that you get into a rhythm and it's quiet and everyone is just running and then you have spit man ruining both of those things for you. Next time (if there is a next time) I will come better prepared with music that works.

3. The last not so fun thing...it was damp, and rainy, and chilly during the race. But on the brightside, it was not 90 degrees and blindingly sunny.

4. Somehow I thought the race was 12 miles. One might think you would get that straight before you started the race but not me. I didn't realize it was 13.1 miles until I came to mile marker 12 and people were still running.... STILL RUNNING! I think I picked up my pace then, somehow, because I was just ready to be done [but in a good way, again, it was fun...or not so fun really but an accomplishment, a mission to accomplish, i guess.]

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Luckily those are the only negatives that I have from the race. Everything else about it was great. It felt really good to push myself and utilize the whole mind over matter thing. I kept telling myself if I could get over my extreme fear of everything medical and anything blood related and graduate from nursing school I sure as heck could suck it up and run the whole race.

One glorious moment during the run was getting "sport beans" handed to me while running. (they have volunteers that stand on the side of the road and hand out water, oranges, sport beans, etc while you run). I got the sport beans [jelly beans with caffine] at mile 8 and let me tell you they were the most glorious things I'd ever had. They not only tasted delicious but they gave me something to do besides just running. I could focus on them and savor each one in my mouth...until i ran out. The rest of the race continued with thoughts like these, "YES! I see more people ahead...maybe they have more sport beans!" [they didn't]..."there's a package of them on the ground...should i turn around and pick it up and eat them? would that be gross?"..."there's tons of wasted sport beans on the ground! what the? who would do that? waste sport beans? i love them!" and the thoughts continued until I could see the finish line. Sport beans were really my only thoughts, how to find them, who might have some, different flavors i might enjoy, why they aren't handing them out anymore, etc. Finally after the finish line they were handing them out. Unfortunately, I didn't want them then.

You can see Alex was pretty cold and had to wear my sweatshirt when she and Tim's mom came to meet us at the finish line. Oh, and let me tell you finding your 'group' [tim'smom, tim, and alex] amongst 14 thousand + people is not an easy task. We were told there would be letters of the Alphabet posted up so you could meet your fam at a designated letter of your choice. So, when the race was finished I went searching...no letters! Not a one! I finally sought shelter in a the warm convention center and gathered my thoughts on how to find them and where to station myself so I wasn'twandering around hoping for luck to take me to them. I asked a girl who looked equally as concerned, standing by herself...This is a little bit how the converstation went. It should be noted first that she was not aware of the "meet your group by a designated letter" plan.

Me: "have you seen the letters of the alphabet anywhere?"

girl: "excuse me? the what?" with very confused 'what are saying idiot girl' face

me: "oh, sorry. the letters. you know, we were told to find the letters, pick one out and stand by it?"

girl: confused look, feeling sorry for delerious girl rambling about alphabet letters and finding them

me: start laughing at the ridiculousness, then somehow, i am able to form a somewhat coherent sentance and explain what the hell I'm talking about.

girl: smiles because she finally gets what i'm talking about [i think?] and says, "i didn't know anything about that but i can't find my group either."

Then, I look out the door and there they were! My group!

Me: there's my group! bye!

girl : oh, ok, bye!

me: walking away thinking I'd never had a more bizarre conversation in my life! at least i have never been on the side that was making absolutely no sense and couldn't form a normal sentance to explain my plight for alphabet letters. Jeeesh!

So, several people have asked if I'll do it again next year. I'm not sure. Probably not but maybe. Might do one somewhere else. Would like to do one with a friend, a slow friend. T will probably not do another one because of his wretched knees. Might go cheer for people at one...that might be fun.

One thing is for sure, if I do another one, I will definately be wearing my Grandpa's 'hat' again...Man, talk about the luck! It carried me through to the finish line only having to have stopped once the whole time [to use the restroom!] Amazing!

Mini Marathon, here I come!

This will be my third post for the day. I suppose I am making up for all the time that goes by and I post nothing!
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The big race is tomorrow. I have to honestly say I'm pretty sure I'll never train for another one---unless the actual day is just so amazing it's all worth it. My main motivation to do it was to get in shape and maybe lose a few lbs. Well, I definately can run farther but no lbs lost. I think in my mind I thought I was running a zillion miles a week so I could eat anything I wanted...and I did eat everything I wanted, but no zillion miles a week were ever run. Owell. It's almost over and I'm happy about that. I also did it to support T because he really wanted to do it. The only thing is, we never ran 'together' and I'm sure we won't be running hand in hand tomorrow either. Again, owell. My goal is to run at least half of it. I didn't do the training as hard core as I should have so my max mileage has been only 7 miles. So, if I can run straight six tomorrow I'll be happy. Going back to my post about my Grandpa and his socks and the stolen hat it should be noted that I am going to wear the stolen hat--but not the socks. The hat looks silly enough let alone tall white socks! I think he would have gotten a kick out of knowing his hat went to Louisville, KY for the derby race and was worn by his grand daughter for 12.5 miles of fun times, plus I'll need the luck it brings! But I think he'll know anyway because I'm sure he'll be there in spirit to cheer me on. I'll let you know how it goes! (on the plus side of training, I really enjoy running 3-4 miles now ..but beyond that I get so bored I want to scream! There's just so much else I think that I could be doing! Hats off to you who do this all the time and even do Marathons! (Jill and Mandy!)) [the hat says: dubuque, ia: he collected them from all over...it's the cool kind with the netted back and really poofy front part]

A 'work moment'---for my mama

I'm not really sure of the point of the story I want to share; whether it's just a thank-you type for my mama for helping remind me of the little things that can make big impacts, or if it's about the pain that accompanies motherhood, or about the importance of taking a moment to just listen...or just a small little story about a little moment that made an impact in my life...or maybe it's just a little bit of all of the above....

The other day at work I had one of those moments that you hear about, or that reminds you of a story someone told you where they had a moment, or something really stayed with them through their life. It was one of the first real times since I've started working where I was really really moved, almost to tears, and I had the thought, "This is what 'they' talk about happening. I can do this. I am a good nurse. God did know what He was doing when he lead me here...at least today anway :)"

My parents and I have had a repeated conversation about parents with a child in the hospital, especially parents facing their child's own mortality...no matter what that child's age. They know first hand from their experience with Marie, my sister who was given a small chance of survival after her stroke. My parents were given little hope and very little sympathy. Compassion was hard to come by throughout their experience. They have many touching stories that I can not retell in their words. Maybe I'll have my mom be a guest blogger some day and share those moments in her life. I've also learned my emotional pains come hardest with the parents caring for the kids, and the older kids who are aware of their losses...aware of the meaning of their illnesses. Of course there is heartache with the littlest babes as well but I find some comfort in their naive minds...they don't know anything different exists, at least not to the extent that their parents and loved ones understand.

On Tuesday at work I had a patient whose care team I am signed up to be a part of. She is an older patient and a new diagnosis. Her strength and character is amazing and the humor she carries with her on most days is remarkable. The seriousness of her situation was really hitting her on this day and she was having a hard time verbalizing her frustration. She just wanted to leave, to go home with her family, her very close family, and see her visiting relatives. She wanted to be able to go to her prom that was coming up and she wanted to see that her bald head really was beautiful...just like everyone had been telling her (and it truly is). She assured me she did not feel like herself...something was wrong, different, and she didn't know how to explain it, but she said, "I don't even feel like this is my skin, I can't explain it...it's weird. I'm not myself." I know there were two factors going on here. One, I had just given her a new med that she had never received before and it was probably making her feel quite strange or 'loopy', and two, I imagine it would feel like it wasn't even your skin anymore---losing all of your control, searching for a new faith, looking at the realness of life and with it comes death, not knowing your future, having insane toxins being directly inserted into your blood stream...literally into your heart...it would be overwhelming...and I can understand the loss of self in there somewhere. All I could do was sit on the bed and just listen and encourage and understand---try to understand.

Leaving her room, I saw her mom in the hallway on her way in to see her. She stopped me and asked how her daughter was doing--already knowing it had been a hard day for her because they'd talked on the phone several times. I talked to 'mom' for a little bit and I felt like I could literally see her helplessness and frustration for her 'baby'oozing from her presence...her 17 year old baby was here, sick, with cancer, lonely, afraid...and she had no answers for her, she could not make it better no matter what she did. As a mom, I now understand how intense and overwhelming it might be facing that reality. Her mom started crying and telling me what she tells her, "stay strong" "hang in there" and what she knows to be true about the importance of the plan of care for her. I listened, of course, and then I just hugged her while she cried and said, "You're an amazing mom....this is so hard for you, too, not just her, but you, too. Moms fix and you can't fix this. Everything about this just sucks, I'm sorry." As I hugged her and acknowleged her helplessness and loss of control I felt her relax a little and say, "yes! it is hard! it does [suck]..."
I usually wouldn't use the word 'sucks' but I feel like it's the only word that really fits in these cases. Because it does--suck...it sucks the life and energy and spirit right out of you. I feel that some days and they are not even my children. We talked a little more and we sqeezed hands and I said again, "there's nothing easy about this, and I wish I had more to give than that...but just know I know that this is so hard for you, too, and that's ok to feel that way." I imagine a mom might have guilt about feeling a personal sadness and frustrations, and personal fear.

I wanted to offer more but I sensed she was trying to shut off the tears before she went into her daughter's room. So we changed the talk a little to me suggesting she take her daughter and leave the floor for awhile,just walk around and get her out of the room, etc. Offering the only bit of advice I knew that might make her daughter's night a little better, offering at least one answer, one 'fix' she could offer her--at least for one night.

Later, on my way out for the night, I saw my patient and her family smiling and talking, while walking through the halls downstairs by the cafeteria, on their way to return to her room. I gave my patient a hug and told her to hang in there, tomorrow was another day and things always look better in the morning. I glanced at her dad who winked and smiled and then to her mom who tearfully mouthed the words, "thank you".

I share this story mostly to thank my mom for sharing a story of her own with me when I first started this job. It's a story, similar in nature, from when she was in the ICU with my sister who was in a coma, where a nurse touched her shoulder and told her, "You are a good mom." and just stood there with her for a moment allowing her to cry. This small gesture of touch and reassurance allowed my mom to be heard and understood and allowed her a 'moment' of her own...allowed her to say nothing yet so much all at once with just an acknowledgement of this life of her's, and this beautiful daughter of her's, and the pain and the loss and grief, and faith that she would carry with her for her lifetime.

Her story is a story that I think of before everyday of work. Every single day I walk into work I say a prayer that "God may guide me to make some positive impact today in the life of at least one person--at least for this day--no matter how small. And in that I will have had a Purpose to be exactly where I am in this beautiful, crazy, and so fragile life."

I know there is a God and other out-of-order, random thoughts

Everyday, even the worst days with bad moods, I try to think of new things I am thankful for. This activity usually helps boost my mood and increase my life gratitude. It has become even more necessary during bad days at work. Sometimes it turns in to, "At least I don't have..."
and then fill in the blank with something horrendous like the inability to control tooting in public. Or It might be "at least I have..." and then some days it's things like my pinkie toe...like no matter how bad this day gets, at least I'm leaving with both my pinkie toes..imagine how much worse it would be if I also lost those today--you get the idea, and it has become more clear that I have very peculiar ways of dealing with stress. Anyway, I digress...
This night that I took the picture below I was reminded of a 'thankful for': cute little chubby booty cheeks. A friend from nursing school said she could never work with babies because she loved their butt cheeks so much; so much so that she always wants to bite them. Understandably, she knew this would not be taken very well by the new parents and thus has not sought out a career that requires caring for babies. I have to agree, there is something about baby butts.

I do allow Alex to bathe in actual water, however, soemtimes when the waters all gone she still insists that bathtime is not quite over.

So, after another wonderful 'on-call snow-day' call off, I just got the news that I am officially off the rest of the day. I was only scheduled until 3:30 but still, what a joy--even better I already did two loads of laundry, packed, AND mowed our lawn (just incase I did have to go in at 11) :) Tim likes to point out a mood change that happens when I recieve these calls, and indeed, there is a mood change! It is literally like having a snow day as a child! It's glorious! I even treated Tim and myself to McDonalds for breakfast as i was already in the car (in the garage when I received my wonderful morning work call off), McDonalds was sort of on the way back into my house, right?

On another 'grateful for' thought, watermelon is in season folks and let me tell you it's delicious! So far, in less than 24 hours I have already eaten 1/2 an entire melon. It's not like some foods where after a few bites the glory fades--oh no, each bite is as glorious as the first one. Tim says there's no way I'll eat the whole thing before it goes bad--but he does not share the same joy of watermelon. I will eat it. Every last bite (watermelon is another reason, again, I KNOW there is God).

The picture below is how I picture my ideal day with watermelon...and friends. (disclaimer (for T): the picture is not of me or of my friends, nor is that my watermelon)

The other day Alex's nap time was going on three hours. I decided to sneak into her room to see how sound asleep she was and I was going to consider waking her up ever so carefully as she does not enjoy being woken up (who does?). Anyway, I listened at her door and heard not one peep. I quietly open her door, so quietly that I know she couldn't have heard me and this is what I saw. Look closely or you might miss her--she is sitting straight up, cross-legged, and with her blankie over her head. I snuck over to the office to grab the camera and when I returned she hadn't moved an inch, thus these cute pics were captured!

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I think maybe she knew nap time was nearing it's end and did not want it to end quite yet. Again, like with most things, I totally feel her on the this one.

Grandpa's socks

So, I guess socks are a running theme when it comes to my Grandpa (see previous post). Anyway, when he died I got three pairs of his socks and a hat I technically stole from his house when I was there visiting with my step-grandma after he passed. I treasure the socks to pieces! I wore them every test day during nursing school and I wear them now on days I"m feeling lonely/homesick or that I may need a little extra 'help'...especially some work days. I am wearing them today actually, and today has been such a smooth and peaceful day at work I'm considering NEVER taking them off except, of course, to wash them. I love having little things in life, little material possessions that are worthless monetarily but mean SO much to the heart. Do you have any special 'worthless' objects that get you through rough days or bring a warm fuzzy to your thoughts? I'd love to hear about them!

Whole Bunch of Little Somethings to Share

So, today, after suviving the earthquake which did quite surprise Tim and I this a.m. (we thought Coopy might somehow have been shaking our bed by itching himself...very aggressively--then after finding that it was not him, I lay there convinced it was a haunting...later NPR told me indeed it was a quake) Anyway, I got a wonderful, prayed for call from work offering me a 'snow day' of sorts...it's equivalent to that anyway. I took the offer! Though I'm technically on call until 3pm today--fingers crossed. Ok, so, I had tons to do and first thing I decided to mow our desert of a yard as the weeds were/are getting a little wild....unfortunately the grass is not quite so energetic despite our hard work. Anyway, as I was mowing past our wood pile (of wood we stack but never burn?) I saw that our straw (that we use to cover our non-growing 'lawn' to HELP it grow but still it doesn't) was growing a bit of it's own grass. How lovely, I thought. "You can't help the grass to grow in the yard but you decide to grow your very own lawn of your very own to keep to your own straw-self. How perfect." Moving on.....

On Wednesday I took the girl to the zoo. It was gorgeous weather and our zoo is really pretty. We had a good time and Alex really enjoyed seeing the birds (yes the ones that live in our very own trees at home) and was excited to point out geese and a few ducks. The bears, and lions, and rare breed animals did little to amuse her though she did like assigning the animals genders and letting me know who was the mommy, the daddy, or just the friend. I could never quite get it right. "NO, mamma, that's his friend, not his daddy." We did enjoy the train ride which we rode twice and the second time I lended a hand to a rather large old lady who decided, after sitting down, that the train would not be a good thing for her becaus her knees were too bent. So, I offered to help her out. As I did so, I took her hand in one of my hands offering support and delicately placed my other hand directly on her BOOB and proceeded to help her out of the train. I did not know it was her boob until mid lift in which case it was too late to then transfer my hand to a more appropriate lifting spot. In my defense, there was a lot of skin to 'hold' and I held what I thought was her side...forgetting that boobs that large can drift to the side. Nice. After my groping for the day we headed home for nap time.

Wednesday was Wacky Wednesday at Alex's school. I don't think she really got that I dressed her 'wacky' and mis-matchy but owell. It was fun nonetheless. Here she is posing---her favorite Eagle yoga pose that she thought might show off her wacky outfit a little better than just a typical standing pose.

Here's a pic of the all the beans doing yoga together at Gram's and Gramp's house. This, of course, is Alex's favorite pose....final relaxation.
They are all doing a fine job with it!

Here's a pic that i thought was too funny. It's from Tim's cousin's wedding. Alex found a 'boy' that she was smitten with. We have several of these pics of her trying so discretely to get closer...and closer.

Can you see the frustration...and sheer exhaustion? I can't blame her, sometimes at events such as these I feel like laying down and taking a 'resty', too...i don't think it would have been as well received, however, so I didn't.

Again, something else I feel like doing sometimes...just hiding from everyone, and what's a better place to go than behind the nice sheer, 'clean' curtains.

Here's a 'nice' fake smile family photo from the wedding I thought I'd share with everyone. We have so few pictures of all three of us usually because they look similar to this one and get deleted, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

Al (with her other half-->'hat') and Miss Maizie. I just love something about this picture, don't you?

(sorry i didn't rotate this one first)

Ahh, the one slipper photo. I've been wanting to share this pic for awhile. It goes back to Brooke's blog about prayers strange things happening, etc. When my Grandpa was alive (my dad's dad) I remember he told me that to keep his feet warm at night he sleeps with one sock on and one sock off. I thought this to be peculiar but decided to try it out. It works. I have been doing it for years now. It's not something I ever told Alex and it's obviously not something that comes up a lot in conversations so she never overheard it...and regardless, if she did I'm not sure she'd know to apply it to her own sleeping preferences. Anyway, nearly every niight when I go in and check on her this is what I find...one slipper on or one sock on and the other off. Sometimes it goes from me putting her to bed with both on and finding she took only one off during the night, or sometimes she goes to bed with nothing on her feet and I come in to find she has ONE on a foot (sock or slipper). I like to think, in fact I know that it is a little part of my Grandpa in her and I also tend to think he looks over her while she's sleeping. I've have several encounters like this regarding my Grandpa in different ways...so I'm pretty sure in some way he's played a role.

'hat'....that never leaves her head

I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday! This one was surely Heaven sent!